Although I've made it this far before; I'm confident, through the power of this blog and all the encouragement I've been getting from my fellow recovering-smokers, I'm going to make it this time.
Below is a humor video clip for my Birthday -- it's short, I hope you enjoy it -- tomorrow I'll share all the benefits of giving up smoking I should be experiencing up to this point.
That's the popular version of this old Chinese Proverb. A more accurate translation however, would be:
"A journey of one thousand miles begins beneath one's feet."
Meaning, quite simply, without movement of some kind we're stagnant -- otherwise known as procrastinating.
Aren't we all guilty of this? Especially us smokers -- "I'll quit tomorrow ... or after this pack ... or next week, next month, next year... "
There's a medical commercial I hear on the radio that states the number one health risk men face is procrastination.
Procrastination is almost always costly whether we're talking about Kicking the habit or paying our taxes or fixing that 'funny noise' our car is making.
Its the same question I posed in my Letter To Pammy:
Where I stated theblatantlyobvious -- If Nothing Changes -- Nothing Changes!
It's hard to calculate the high cost I've already paid due to my own procrastination. At least I've finally taken my first stepin my thousand mile journey!
As a birthday present to my (then) wife, I gave up smoking! It was my second but best attempt at kicking the habit.
As of that date, July 1989, I had been a smoker for nearly ten years; married for three years; and had two little girls ages one and two and a half. I certainly didn’t want to be the bad influence on them or subject them to the second hand smoke.
Once, while sitting on the porch steps outside, my oldest little girl picked up an old, discarded cigarette butt and pretended to ‘be daddy’. My heart just sank inside my chest, nearly to the point of being sick. That’s when I decided to ‘choose my date’ and stick too it. I chose my wife’s upcoming 30th Birthday. (She’s over 4 years older than me in case you’re doing the math.)
I had quit smoking once before -- while my future ex and I were dating -- I went over three months without a cigarette that time. I remember when I started back. My car was stolen. I was sitting inside a police car making a stolen vehicle report, the officer had a pack of Camel Lights on the dash. I asked for one -- one, of course, is all it takes.
This next time however, I knew my downfall and what to avoid. I also knew I could do it. I would just have to preserver… not give in… no matter what.
I can still remember the first three days, then the first week, and the first month, all being nightmarishly hellish -- all with their own challenges. I even had the most bizarre dreams about smoking and cigarettes.
If you’re familiar with those over exaggerated dream sequence in sit-coms you’ll know what I’m talking about here. I’m totally serious when I say that I literally had a dream of giant cigarette with legs chasing me down the street. This is how the drug permeates its way into your life and your psyche!
In the birthday card that day I wrote that I wanted us to live to see the year 2050 together -- That would be sixty-one years from that day -- Obviously, since she’s my ex that wont be happening whether I live that long or not!
The sad ending to this story is I did not make it an entire year. (I will go into my relapse another time.) I had failed is enough to say right now and thus began another 20 years of this ridiculous struggle! This is one of those situations where you lament about where you’d be now if you had done something differently in the past.
But there’s nothing any of us can do about the past, we can only change things today to improve our futures.
Note: This is a copy of an email I sent to my Hypnotist one month ago today ~
(Photo Note: Me at MardiGras!)
----- Original Message ----- Sent: Thursday, June 25, 2009 11:19 AM Subject: Off the wagon and into the fire ...
Dear Sir, Greetings ~
I first saw you on March 7th, 2008 for 'Stop Smoking Hypnotherapy'. I had many months of success. Unfortunately, I made the same mistake I always do ... While on vacation, in a club on Bourbon Street, NOLA I thought it would be okay to have a cigarette with my adult beverage.
It always seems to start out small and innocent enough. Unfortunately, for an addict like myself, just one on one day is never enough. From there it grows, from that one to a few and in a matter of a few weeks, back to a pack a day. It's a horrific demon I can't seem to escape. It's too the point of being just ridiculous. That's the best word I can come up with for this awful compulsion.
I thought for sure, with the tools I had from my Hypnotherapy session I could get it back under control on my own. I would try to limit my smoking habit for a few weeks, then months and then have the incentive to stop (once again, once and for all) during Lent.
In the evening of Fat Tuesday, along with another adult beverage and the last of a pack of smokes, I'd sit around, enjoy the two together then wake in the morning with no cigarettes in the house. Here's where it gets just ridiculous ... On the morning of Ash Wednesday I woke up and went about my usual business of just putzing around the house and then drove to the nearest C-Store and bought a pack. I wasn't even craving a cigarette! as I can remember -- I just didn't even try! RIDICULOUS!
I've spent a year attempting to hide my addiction from everyone. As you may suspect, as do I, there is no way people can't know I sneak cigarettes here and there as well as there and here. Fortunately, few ever mentioned it and I keep sneaking around like a mindless teenager feeling as if he's getting away with something. (I might as well be hiding a pack in my socks!)
One year ago I meet a lovely lady who seems to have found some sort of value in me ... I can't be sure why but I do know that she may not be open to being around someone who smokes all the time. When her and I first met I was struggling with the quitting and have now spent a year trying to keep it from here .... Really, how successful can this be. I would hate for my weakness in this area to ruin a lovely relationship.
This silly game of closet smoking includes time at my office. I am the only one in the office who smokes. I try to hide that fact from everyone -- but even I can smell it on my clothes at times. I want to be able to say to anyone who questions me: "I may have fell off the wagon at one time in the past but I have not even touched a cigarette in ... (what ever time is applicable)".
The employees at the gas station must think I'm ridiculous too ... They are used to me buying two packs of cigarettes, one of the good, more expensive ones I like and one of the cheapy, not so good tasting ones, so I can alternate the two and not spend quite so much money.
I'm also back to buying an inhaler on a regular basis. Ridiculous. This has been a thirty year struggle now ... I've quite several times but have never made it an entire year without falling victim to my own weakness. I do not want this to become a 31 year struggle and then soon a 35 year one ... assuming I can even make it that long. (I'm sure I've done irreversible damage to myself). I need to quit NOW!
Sir, -- HELP!
We spoke about a follow up session for those who continue to struggle.
My days next week are pretty open. Would you have the availability anytime then? It's taken me months to sit down and type out this email after thinking about it daily -- It's just ridiculous! I hope it doesn't take me months longer to get this addressed.
Sincerely and with Great Thanks, FJW
Additional Note: I've only edited this slightly -- feel free to copy or paraphrase any or all of this to send to your own Hypnotist...
Day nineteen and the anxiety hasn‘t totally gone away. I'm nearing the three week mark -- the same week I began this journey I read about a controversial ad campaign rolled out in New York City. Controversial because the picture of the damaged lung is kind of gruesome. It’s especially gruesome if you're a smoker! Recently, I spent a week in Chicago (great town, BTW) and saw similar billboards through out the city … I was still in my “I’m going to quit soon” phase. However, looking at the smoker’s lung was still pretty unsettling, even with my determinations to ‘quit soon’…
Below is a three minute compilation of six anti-smoking commercials produced by the Australian Government-- I have to admit it kind of grosses me out -- I’m glad I didn’t see this until AFTER I quit. The images these commercials put in my mind however, does help minimize my desire to ‘cheat’.
I'm sure most of you all have thought the exact same question above I was continuously asking myself ...
Pam, I believe you've done the first best thing -- Pick a date. And yours is a good one.
I came across The 11 step program after my trip to the Hypnotist. (A trip you may want to consider). I had already incorporated most of the steps or 'suggestions' but there is one change I wish I would've made -- move number Ten to the top of the list -- consider asking your doctor for some Bupropion or Welbutrin ... As I wrote in the High Anxiety post... "Anyone reading this for inspiration, who hasn't quit yet but is contemplating a ‘stop date’, I recommend getting your prescription two to three weeks prior to your target date."
Pam, I so much appreciate your comments "Coffee Black ... Cigarette ...". This was exactly my intent when creating this blog ... As I wrote in my July 10th post -- This was a total afterthought.
I've always known if nothing changes -- nothing changes. I couldn't just keep quitting for a few weeks or a couple of months only to start back again and not try quitting again for a year or more. Ridiculous! (my word of the week has not become my word for the month!)
Just like Friends of Bill, this is supposed to be nicotine addicts helping each other. We don't need to be preached too about the health risks of smoking by people who don't know what it's like to be addicted. We're looking for encouragement and camaraderie with like minded people. A group of people who will help hold us accountable and who can relate to this particular battle.
I appreciate all the comments, suggestions and notes of encouragement I've received thus far... I hope each of you share your stories of success as well as share your struggles along the way. As with any journey it's always nice to know we're not alone.
Kudos to me ... Not that I wish to brag -- but that is kind of one thing this whole experience is about. Besides, according to the author of the best selling “Who Moved My Cheese” -- if you don’t blow your own horn, no one else will do it for you. So here I am -- Blowing away!
Bragging about how the last few days I’ve been combating my own personal Triggers …
Last Thursday was the perfect day for field work -- sales, not farm -- the temperature was about 10 degrees cooler than normal for this time of year, the sun was out, a slight breeze, those are the type of days it’s a joy to be out of the office driving around with the windows down and the sunroof open.
Of course the best thing about being out of the office, pretty much just driving around and waving to people all day, is the fact that I can have as many cigarettes as I want. Even the times I had to go into an account, I stood inside thinking about soon being outside and lighting up.
It seemed as if the entire rest of the week and through the weekend was spent identifying and struggling with all these triggers, some I may have never even given a lot of thought too prior to quitting.
Friday -- Early morning meeting. Spent the entire meeting thinking about when the next “smoke break’ would come.
Friday Lunch -- Went to a buffet, spent the rest of the day thinking I needed a smoke to ‘settle’ my stomach.
Saturday -- working in the yard. Thought I should take a break every so often and ‘review’ my handy-work with a cigarette.
Saturday night -- (the worst) lit the grill and popped the top on a cold one… That’s a Huge Trigger!
Sunday -- I guess I never gave it much thought that I just wanted church to get out sooner so I could smoke.
Sunday afternoon -- Went to an out door play. At intermission, I could smell the sweet aroma from the smoking section drifting my way! I have to admit, I enjoyed it.
Fifteen days and counting and the anxiety seems to be lessening (with a little help from some meds, I’m sure.) The good news to all of this was even though it wasn’t always easy, it hasn't always been hard either!
That's why I started this blog ... I didn't' want to suffer alone!
Good News, however ... Normally there are 12 steps to recovery for addicts and their addictions, from alcohol & Drugs, to eating & shopping, even to sex (if you can imagine that one) ... Did you know there are even 12 step programs for people addicted to 12 step programs??
I'm happy to report I've found a helpful program for us struggling with our addiction to nicotine that is only ELEVEN steps ... Saving us one whole step of misery!
Here I am, heading into my third week (Not quite as miserable today as I was one week ago)...
I wish I would have found this video prior to quiting but still find it helpful.
Watch the video, it's short ... I wrote notes below ... Still wishing all of you contemplating a 'target' date and those of you going through the struggle now much success ...
~~ The Eleven Steps ~~
1). Set a Target Date … This is what I did when I scheduled my hypnosis session.
2). Recognize your ‘Triggers’… Such as the ones I listed in the Smoothie post below.
3). List All Health Risks … After 30 years and the bad breathing I’ve developed , this wasn’t hard.
4). Tell Everyone You Know … I have actually been a closet smoker for the past 2 years, trying to hide it from everyone I know. So I had to share it with my new on-line support group!
5). Call Stop Smoking Hot-Line… Find your States non-smoking hot-line, many hospitals have support groups, or join a good on-line support group, LIKE THIS ONE!
6). Use Candy or Another Diversion to Combat Cravings …Like Ronald Reagan when he ‘kicked the habit’, I like Jelly-Bellies. I also eat A LOT of popcicles.
7). ‘Replacement Therapy’ to Occupy Time and Mind … I try to walk at least twice a day. Also do a lot of deep breathing. And of course, I blog about my experience!
8). Keep Going! One day at a Time … Or, as in AA, if one day is too much (as it was for me the first few days) you may have to take it one hour at a time.
9). Don’t Let ‘Temporary Relapse’ Derail the Whole Plan … This has always been my down fall often in the past. I may have the just one and let it grow until I just think I will stop again ‘in the future’. Stop Again, NOW!
10). Drugs! Call your Doctor if you Need … I DID! & I think it helps. (See my ‘Cold Turkey’ Post). Also Try a Hypnotist.
11). Success … Follow These Steps to Reach Your Goal! So far, so good for me … I hope you find Success here too!
If you smoke after sex … You’re probably not doing it right -- at least that’s what I’ve heard.
First thing in the morning, with my coffee… Afternoon breaks… After big meals… With a cold brew in the evening… The last smoke of the day … And yes, even after sex … There are so many ‘triggers’ we can associate with enjoying a cigarette, it’s been difficult to alter every single part of my day to accommodate my new life.
Instead of my usual half pot of coffee in the morning (approximately four full cups) I now have about two cups of instant -- I know, most smokers probably find instant coffee about as disgusting as non-smokers find a dirty ashtray but for such a small amount of coffee it’s just easier.
Come mid-day, instead of grabbing a coca-cola and walking out on the side-walk for a smoke, I now just walk. I’m still pretty agitated, still feeling some anxiety so getting up and taking a walk a few blocks down and back really seems to help.
Bar-b-que in the evening was tough last night though … I so much wanted to light the grill, crack open a cold one, sit back on the Adirondack and enjoy by beer and cig while I waited for the charcoals to be ready.
I’ve been able to practice “replacement therapy” in most situations. …
The other day, while at a business meeting at a local coffee house, instead of a nice afternoon café latté, I decided to try one of their ‘iced’ beverages. Not knowing what to get, I let the young lady behind the counter fix me one of her favorites.
Admittedly, it was pretty good -- I enjoyed it. Maybe this can be my new occasional, afternoon treat. I asked the cashier what it was called? … Under normal circumstances I don’t have insecurities about other’s perceptions of my manhood -- but I do think I’m going to feel funny asking for an ‘Iced, White Bunny with a shot of strawberry”!
A couple of months ago, while on one of my short trips to Chicago -- This time in Oak Park to be exact. I stayed at a hotel just around the corner from the Frank Lloyd Wright House. A short walk from there, under the L, is a fabulous little coffee shop where I could pick up a House Blend (two sugars), along with my complimentary USA Today from the hotel, I’d sit in courtyard of the shopping district enjoying my paper, coffee and cigarettes... Love It!
Day 10 and the Anxiety just won’t quit! I’ve recently read that by this time the ‘average’ ex-smoker’s cravings should be down to three or less a day lasting no more than 3 minutes each. This may be true, but the anxiety seems to be unrelenting.
I have to confess, I broke down and called the doctor for a prescription of Bupropion. I can’t answer whether this is cheating the cold turkey process or not. I just know that even though the cravings might be lessening the anxiety has not subsided.
The problem with Bupropion is that it takes a couple of weeks to kick in. A lot of variables can happen in that time. Anyone reading this for inspiration, who hasn’t quit yet but is contemplating a ‘stop date’, I recommend getting your prescription two to three weeks prior to your target date.
Another drawback with Bupropion (or Welbutrin) is it says on the bottle: Twice Daily for Treatment of Depression. LOL -- I know, I’ve done my entire blog thus far without one lol! But that does kind of warrant one. -- After all, I’m taking these meds because I’m a happy camper!
Humphrey Bogart was dead and gone by the time I was coming of age -- But he was still the original man men wanted to be like and women wanted to … Well, you know … Borrow a match from … maybe something more… And who hasn’t dreamed of accidentally choosing Rick’s gin joint ‘in all the towns in all the world”? Sitting across the piano from Ingrid Bergman puffing away on a Lucky?
Addicts can usually tell you the exact moment their struggle began. (Which at the time does not seem like a struggle at all. It’s a pleasure.) Even though the ultimate responsibility for ever starting this habit is ours alone, we certainly can’t deny outside influences such as parents, friends and movie icons of the day.
I was not quite 16 when I first started to smoke … (Granted, we’re talking the late ‘70’s here and things were different then, but still …) A few cigs here, a few there … Heck, I could ride my bike up to the Vickers’ station (for those of you who remember those,) and buy a pack for .50cents.
I suppose when your young, thinking you're one of God’s gifted, more intelligent than most -- clearly smarter than both your parents and most if not all of your teachers -- one foot still in pre-puberty, one foot inching its way to adulthood; having a smoke makes you feel more on par with the adults in society than the youth. There's an additional arrogance that makes you believe just because all other smokers are addicts, YOU will be able to quit at anytime, because YOU'RE Super Human!!
Looking back on this all I can think of is two things: * I must have looked just friggin’ Ridiculous! (there’s that word again). * I wish some one would have just slapped the living stuff out of me! (Although we all know that at 15, not even that helps. Some of us were just plain idiots at that age and for that, time is the only cure.)
Presently, I’m into my second week now. As I’ve written before, I’ve gone three months a number of times. I do remember the first few days being extremely frustrating and the first week being very agitated but when is this anxiety going to go away?
Butter flies in my stomach that float freely upwards and settle right in the cavity of my chest … And you non-smokers think ‘kicking the habit’ should make us addicts feel immediately better! Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
Now I’m in a situation where I don’t think I should consider What Would Bogey Do?
Start this day like all the rest …”A little Don Williams there for any of you country music fans.
NOTE: I wrote this post one week ago, just before my trip to the hypnotist & journey into the bloggosphere ~
Actually, I put two sugars in my coffee but the sentiment’s the same. As of now I am in my same morning routine. I have a half a pack of cigarettes, a half a pot of coffee, I’m sitting at my computer in bath robe and slippers and taking frequent breaks to go out on the deck and smoke a cigarette.
There is one thing different about today though; I have a 1:30 PM appointment with my hypnotherapist. It’s the second such attempt I'm making at quitting smoking this way. This has been an on going, thirty year struggle. You ever hear the old joke: quitting smoking is easy, I do it all the time…”? I’ve done it so many times in the past I’ve lost count.
So, what’s different about this time? I’m going to try a significantly different approach.I’m joining the Blogosphere! An on-line journal of my day to day struggle … And maybe, just maybe, I’ll find a community of people who’ll hold me accountable.
This is going to be about my journey and my struggle – all are welcome to comment and share – and if together, we all help each other or someone else with smoking, or with any other addiction, all the better.
This blog was a total afterthought. (In fact, as I write this I don’t even have a blog up and running yet. I am still reading about how to do that.)
While learning about blogging the two suggestions I keep running across are passion and money … both are simple for me to answer. I do have the passion to quit, I have the desire to stay smoke free, as for money, it’s absolutely not a factor. (Except for the money I expect to save from out of control taxes on the tobacco)! In fact, whether or not any one ever reads this is not even the point. This is just a public forum of my own therapeutic journal. (But it would be nice to know if this is helpful to anyone else … So if you know someone else struggling with the same issue, please direct them this way).
A common definition of Insanity has become: doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result. This blog is my new approach to my own personal, perpetual struggle.
I’ve quit so many times in the past it’s absolutely ridiculous … like I previously stated, so many times I can no longer remember. My most successful attempt was not quite a year. I’ve stopped many times for approximately three months. I’ve ‘kicked’ the habit at least three times for Lent. The results are always the same. I think I can handle ‘just one’ and that quickly leads to another and then another and then a pack or two!
~Three Days ~ Three weeks ~ Three Months ~ Good things often come in threes, but so do our challenges sometimes.
It’s always been my theory that there are three initial stages to quitting tobacco: * 3 days for the nicotine to leave your body. * 3 weeks for the habit of and desire for lighting up to become less invasive. * 3 months to feel as if you’ve freed your mind and body from the evils of this addiction.
I’ve done each of those before, but as I said in my first post, I’ve never made it an entire year… That is my newest goal, but first I have to make it one more day!
In the past, my down fall has always been thinking; “I can handle just one… “ In reality, just like an alcoholic’s addiction, one is never enough. One will always lead to a pack then suddenly I’m back to a pack or more a day.
I’ve made an additional commitment of three other changes over the next 30 days: * Exercise twice a day. * Limit my sugar intake. * Deep Breathing Exercises.
The last one is easy – deep breathing as a tool to control the anxiety I continue to feel is all I seem to do. As for the exercising, so far today I’ve walked to McD’s – Twice! (For me, weight is not going be an issue, BTW…) as for the limiting sugar intake, I actually don’t think this is going to be as hard as I originally thought. Without my cigarettes I’m not drinking nearly the coffee (two sugars) or soda I usually do. (How much sugar do popsicles contain, I wonder?)
I think it’s absolutely ridiculous (our word for the week) that I am going through all of this once again...
Yesterday I made mention of AA and their philosophy of one day at a time – they also have one other saying: It’s easier to stay sober than to get sober! Of course this is going to apply to remaining nicotine free also.
But Hey -- 72 hours since my last smoke ~ I’m a third of the way there!
Would it be too redundant to start with “The first day of the rest of my life” again?
This is my first day back to work since my last cigarette... It’s incredible how the thoughts of having a smoke can consume most of my day. I’m not sure if I’m craving a smoke out of habit or if this is a typical “nicotine fit” … either way I feel anxiety and realize I’m obsessing.
One of the teachings of Alcoholic’s Anonymous is you need to take it one day at a time; and if that’s too much than you have to take it one hour at a time or one minute at a time. I think I’m at the one hour at a time now.
I started at this office nearly a year and a half ago. At that time I was on one of my many “breaks” from smoking … I had quit just days before with the help of hypnotherapy. (I’ll go into that in further detail at another time.) Since starting back I’ve been trying to hide my habit from everyone in the office. You know that has to be impossible – there’s absolutely no way no one’s ever been able to smell it on my clothes!
So, now here I am, lacking concentration on what I’m supposed to be doing and totally concentrated on what I’m not supposed to be doing! And I feel alone … I can’t share this with others here since to them (at least in my mind,) I’m a non smoker anyway!
Have I used the word “Ridiculous” yet? This is going to be my word for the week … the habit, the addiction, the rationalizations, the attempts at hiding it all … no other way to describe the whole affair – Just ridiculous!
“Today is the first day of the rest of my life” -- it’s a cliché. Kind of boring and usually pretty meaningless. Somewhat silly when you think about it …
Obviously, this little chestnut applies to each and every day. But it’s particularly appropriate for some of the bigger events in life, such as marriage, the birth of a child, graduations, embarking on a new career … and of course the day someone decides to quit smoking cigarettes for good!
There are so many different approaches at serious attempts to ‘Kicking the Habit“; and I think I’ve tried them all... The patch, Wellbutrin, Nicorette gum, nicotine lozenges, and of course “Cold Turkey…” what many believe is the absolute best way.
I have had some relative success quitting in the past, but I’ve yet to able to claim total victory… I’ve never made it a full year without cigarettes. I came close once but I always seem to fall victim to my own weakness to this evil addiction.
Anyone around my age or older may remember C. Everett Koop, the former Surgeon General during the Reagan Administration. In 1984 Koop made a controversial declaration that the drug nicotine had a more powerful addictiveness than heroin.
I remember that well… I also remember the out-rage of smokers who thought the Surgeon General was minimizing the affects of ‘hard’ drugs by comparing heroin and cocaine to cigarettes. For anyone who’s been addicted to cigarettes however, and has tried to quit, may not think Koop was out of line at all.
Even the American Heart Association compares the two … According to the AHA; “Nicotine addiction has historically been on the hardest addictions to break.”
As for my own struggle with this powerful addiction the one word that keeps coming to mind is ’Ridiculous” … basically, I’ve spent nearly 30 years killing myself, as my hypnotherapist put it; “on an installment plan” … which defies all common sense reasoning.
Anyone with a brain in their head knows the harmful effects of smoking. But an addict doesn’t think in a coherent manner when it comes to their addiction. All we seem to think about is the next smoke. Even now, as I write this I’m lusting after a smoke, wishing I could take a break and go outside and enjoy the pleasures a cigarette seems to provide.
You would think my breathing would be better, but I feel as if the oxygen is being sucked out of the room. I keep inhaling fresh oxygen, short, non toxic breaths joined in conjunction with a nervous, jittery physical mood. I’m finding it hard to think coherently and concentrate on what I’m doing, rather I’m focused on what I don’t want to do or shouldn’t be doing.
So, here I am… On the 233rd anniversary of our great country’s Declaration of Independence from a repressive government declaring my new independence from the shackles of this powerful, repressive addiction.
I hope this becomes my success story and not a window into another story of failure for all the world to see.
Hi-- And Welcome;
My name is F. Jozsef Wolfe and I want to welcome you to my new on-line no-smoking blog. All are welcome … I hope you wish me success, I also hope I can help others find success too.
.JPG)
Today is my Birthday!
.JPG)
